ey are asking again on page 6? But today, I don’t feel so annoyed. After all, I had been through this quite a bit lately. Let's see...there were the forms for my physical, pap smear and blood work. Routine check up. Of course the pap smear was a little uncomfortable for me. Things are kinda closed in down there. Not much activity. LoL. I requested the baby clamps and the nurse laughed. "That's the smallest we have", she said. Ok is said, crinching at the thought of anything going between my legs except....Well anyway everything checked out positive. And then there were the forms for that special procedure to examine and take photos of my fibroids. The offices where this procedure was done is right next door to my GYN. I wondered why they didn't just go next door and duplicate the same paperwork. Well that procedure was very uncomfortable. Ouch. That hurt. All that poking around to get the right camera angle in my womb.Now today I had another appointment for my breast. I had a sizable lump mass removed from my left breast a couple years ago. That was scary. I wrote my last will and testament before I went in for the procedure. I can laugh now. But then...What can I tell you? I was scared. Recently they found some "suspicious" looking calcium deposits in the x-rays of my right breast. So I kinda new the routine. So I filled out page after page with little to no emotion. My name was called. Oh hum.
I walked robotically to the back behind Ms. Rita, a 50 something nurse with sprinkling gray and a nice enough disposition. I could tell she felt my distance and tried through her natural pleasantness to enter my world. But there was no entrance or welcome mat extended to her. I wasn't cold. Just far away in thought. Afterall, its not much they can really tell me. I knew deep inside that the doctor’s office would not be the answer to my healing. I am my own healer.
So I sat waiting for the doctor. Waiting for him to explain the abnormality in my right breast. Waiting for him to explain the biopsy process. And then waiting for him to schedule it. All without much emotion. I ask him if he thinks that all sickness begins mentally and emotionally and if not dealt with it eventually manifests itself physically. He says no. He explains iconology is different. It’s not like alcoholism or smoking or other diseases where the patient knowingly causes the problem. He goes on to say, "No one wants to give them self breast cancer". I wonder to myself what about drinking yourself with pain, smoking ill thoughts and disappointment. Is it any difference when the outcome is the same? But instead, wanting to change the subject, I say. "I hear even men get breast cancer".
So I continue to go through the routine with him. All the while my mind is on "heal thyself". But I still schedule the biopsy appointment. Plan B. I will go through the motions just incase I get weak, distracted, overcome by pent up emotions and can’t muster the strength to follow through with the discipline it takes to heal myself. Just in case.
There is always the chance that something else dramatic will happen in my life or I will relive the drama of yesterday thereby blocking the natural healing process that fresh thoughts, a sunny disposition and forgiveness ultimately brings. I'm not too sure. So I take my chances.
There is also the chance that LOVE will grow stronger and healing will be a natural growth of that process. Who knows.So Ill go through their process. But I will also work on my own. A process uniquely connected to the spirit world. A process led by divine intuition. A process nurtured and advanced by self love. Yea. I'm work on that. And no. I'm not afraid.
